LaBeouf LaDrunk in LaWalgreen's

Actor Shia LeBeouf, star of Transformers and the upcoming Indiana Jones and the Greedy Producers, was arrested at a Chicago Walgreens at 2:30AM last saturday. According to CNN.com:

"A security guard told LaBeouf that he needed to leave the Walgreens store because he appeared to be drunk, police said."

Is there anyone in Walgreen's at 2:30 in the morning that doesn't appear drunk? I think as soon as you enter Walgreen's at 2:30 in the morning, a manager just comes up to you and says "Sir, i'm going to have to ask you to leave Walgreen's.

"When LaBeouf, 21, refused to leave, the security guard detained him and called police at about 2:30 a.m., according to police spokeswoman Laura Kubiak."

Bad move Shia. Anyone who works the overnight shift at Walgreen's probably isn't the happiest employee on the planet. And this is just venturing a guess, but I'm pretty sure the phrase, "I swear to God Daryl, I WISH one of them celebrities would come in here and start some crap. Especially that Shia LeBeouf," has been said on more than one occasion.

ABOVE THE LAW... OF THE JUNGLE!

ABC News reports that this week, a team of English scientists is to travel to China to fit an injured Panda with an artificial leg.

The panda, named Nui Nui, has been unable to feed itself since losing a leg in a fight.

So, essentially, an animal fought this panda, tore off it's leg, and then instead of killing and eating the Panda, left it to die in the jungle. Does no one else find this incredibly disturbing? What happened here? Did this Panda lose a shipment of cocaine?

"So what we're thinking of doing is maybe making some less expensive versions that she can actually start off for just basic walking, then a definitive walking and eating device be done at the end so that we know it will be safe."

I think there's something the scientists aren't telling us. The panda's got two arms and a leg left; and if Heather Mills-McCartney can find food, so can this panda. No, this leg is for revenge. I'm envisioning, much like Rocky III and IV, a training sequence with the Panda being whipped into shape by an elderly, but tough-as-nails trainer. Then, on the last day of training, the Panda gives one of those "handshake hugs" to the trainer, which turns into a real hug. Then - and only then - can the Panda head into the forest seeking retribution.

"She may well reject [the new limb] by means of trying to chew on it, eat it, whatever," [Dr. Glyn Heath from the Univerity of Salford] said.

Scientists then claimed that, regrettably, most Panda prosthetics are made from bamboo shoots.

MLB: JUDGMENT DAY

So it's come down to this...

For the first time Tuesday, baseball general managers recommended instant replay be used to help umpires.

This is just one step toward eliminating umpires from the game completely. I'm guessing that by the year 2010, all on-field officiating will be performed by cybernetic organisms that will be able to call all plays irrefutably. This will inevitably backfire when Jonathan Papelbon argues a called strike, which will trigger the previously top secret "emotion chip" in the home plate cyborg, causing it to unite all the umpiring cyborgs in Major League Baseball in waging war upon all humans.

But what about slowing down a game that is already excruciatingly slow? What's the solution, Major League baseball GMs?

"To speed up games, baseball was considering limiting when a hitter could step out of the batter's box between pitches, restricting the number of times a player could visit the mound, and limiting the number of players allowed to visit the mound."

In ordinance with that, Nomar Garciaparra will be fitted with a perimeter collar, which will "explode his head most egregiously" if he steps out of the batters box for more than three seconds.

HOW TO GET OUT OF A BAR FIGHT

Picture this scene: You've just spilled your Hefeweizen all over a guy who looks like he could have starred in Ultimate Ultimate Knockouts. Instead of politely accepting your apology, the giant in cutoff denim sleeves requests - nay, demands - your presence at the nondescript, yet very specific "outside."

Here are a few tips to diffuse the erratically ticking time bomb that is your situation:

Apologize sincerely for whatever it is that has angered the man, but do so only once. Apologizing over and over again says, "In comparison to you, I am not a man; thus, if you wish to beat me, the choice is yours, as my lack of testicles renders me defenseless."

Offer to buy him a drink. Nothing says "no hard feelings" like the purchase of alcohol. Ask him what he's drinking, but also offer to get him a top-shelf item for his troubles. He'll probably still request a PBR, but your generous offer shows that you dont' assume he's the zoo escapee you see standing before you.

Create distance. You're not looking to organize a rafting trip with him; you just want him to not beat the crap out of you. Once you've calmed him down, move to the other side of the bar and resume talking with your friends. If your eyes meet his again, raise your glass and remind him how refreshing that ice cold peace offering in his hand is.

Find another bar. Okay, so you've apologized, bought him a drink, and stayed out of his hair; but it's 1:45AM, he realizes he's not getting laid, and the only consolation is throwing you through the bar's neon-decorated plate glass window. What now? Leave. Quickly. But don't run. Unless he's chasing you. Then run into the nearest gas station bathroom, curl up in a ball and sob until the bad man loses interest.

BLUETOOTH AT DEFCON 5

Your star Fantasy RB just put your team in the lead, and you're calling your opponent to brag. You want to make sure he gets the message loud and clear. Enter: the Jawbone bluetooth headset.

Apparently this little badass's "Noise Shield" contains military grade audio technology. I don't know why I need a bluetooth that's military grade, or even what that means, but it makes me feel good walk into Old Navy and knowing my headset is cooler than the one the guy folding jeans is wearing.

The company was founded in 1999 by Alexander Asseily and Hosain Rahman, who met as Stanford undergrads and shared a belief that creating a noise-free environment was critical to improve mobile communications and a vital step towards voice being the dominant interface for mobile devices.

How do you find out someone shares a belief like that? Were they at a football game when suddenly Alexander, trying to make a phone call cast his phone to the ground in disgust? And then Hosain grabbed him by the arm and said "Good friend. I think we share the same belief?"

Since 2002, Aliph's technology has been optimized for DARPA to maximize communications clarity in the most hostile conditions.

Hmmm... so who is this so-called "DARPA" and what does "it" do?

DARPA’s approach is to imagine what capabilities a military commander might want in the future and accelerate those capabilities into being through technology demonstrations. These not only provide options to the commander, but also change minds about what is technologically possible today.

Which means that when you leave Central Command - a.k.a. the gray cubicle at the marketing firm in which you work - you don't want to be caught purchasing an Abba Zabba at the vending machine without it.

Even though you'll end up looking like a Bond villain while wearing it - hopefully one without a highly noticeable physical deformity that defines your codename - this headset really seems to do the trick (as evidenced by this.)

6 HOTTEST CHICKS FROM 80s SITCOMS

1. Nicole Eggert (Jamie Powell, "Charles in Charge")
Yes, she's been tainted by "The Baio." But that just gave her experience. It's like getting chess lessons from that computer who beat Bobby Fisher. Plus, she's so hot, just to see a glimpse of her you endured scenes of Charles confessing to Buddy that he caught Mr. Powell sneaking food on his diet.

2. Alyssa Milano (Samantha, "Who's The Boss?")
Her character's story read like something straight out of a European adult film: Housekeeper from the big city moves to suburban idyll to care for family, but brings youthful, nubile daughter along. This was the one and only reason we all wished we could be Danny Pintauro.

3. Lisa Bonet (Denise Huxtable, "The Cosby Show")
She was so hot, when they canceled "A Different World," I wrote a letter to Sinbad, urging him to create a show for both himself and Bonet, in which they played a co-ed beach volleyball tandem that potentially fought crime. His response was an 8 x 10 signed glossy of him that read "It ain't a sin to be bad."

4. Danica McKellar (Winnie Cooper, "The Wonder Years")
McKellar was so hot, her residual heat permeated the rest of ABC's Tuesday night lineup and managed to make the cast of "Roseanne" attractive. The only caveat with Danica was that every time I fantasized about being intimate with her, it would be narrated by Daniel Stern.

5. The Other Chick from "Charles in Charge" That's Not Nicole Eggert
Unfortunately for her, she had to live in Nicole Eggert's shadow; but she was still really hot. She was like Steve Young to Eggert's Joe Montana. Except they didn't cancel the 'Niners when they couldn't renegotiate Montana's contract.

6. Dana Plato (Kimberly Drummond, "Diff'rent Strokes")
She's crazy. She went to jail. But she also looks like the kind of chick you meet outside Denny's at 4 a.m. who starts licking your face, then takes you to her apartment and has sex with you on top of a pile of used paper towels.